Spiders Among Us

I got home from the library last night and I was craving some KFC....don't ask me why but I wanted some chicken and I wanted it right then. But apparently, I didn't want it bad enough because I found myself sucked into watching The Thorn Birds on the Oxygen Channel (Thank you, God, for the O Channel). For those who aren't familiar with The Thorn Birds, it was a novel and then a miniseries made in 1983. I read the book when I was 10...to this day, it's about the closest thing to smut lit that I can claim to have read from cover to cover....in fact, I'm surprised my mom let me read it but oh well....

So anyway, after I pulled myself away from the intense, magnetic hold that is Richard Chamberlain dressed as a priest (don't look directly in his eyes - he'll suck your soul out), I decided at about 10:30 at night to finally grab some dinner...yeah, healthy eating is WAY over-rated. I climb in my car and head out to grab some yum-yum KFC. At a stop light about .2 seconds away from KFC, I notice something out of the corner of my eye moving on the driver's side window. Turning to look, I am confronted by a spider crawling on the inside of the window...approximately six inches away from my head. Now this wouldn't be so bad, creepy yes, but not horrible, if the damn thing hadn't been the size of a field mouse or possibly a baby squirrel. I am not messing around here people. Sweet baby Zeus, the thing was at least 2 inches in diameter. I could see its EYES!!!!!

At that point, I did something I have never done before. Now I know I am a bit of a wussy. I'm afraid of the dark, I cry, yada yada. But for the first time in my life, I started whimpering. Whimpering is much different from whining, sighing, groaning, or crying because no tears are shed, no words are verbalized, and it is repeated over and over - that's whimpering and last night, I discovered that I am a certifiably kick-ass whimperer. It's amazing that I managed to move the car once the light turned green and honestly, the only thing that kept me from getting out of the damn thing and leaving it abandoned right there at that intersection was the fact that the spider was on the driver's side door. I mean, I was so freaked out by that monster that I forgot to keep my foot on the brake until I noticed that the car was rolling backwards.

So the spider crawls off the window and into somewhere behind me which causes me to break out into full-fledged screams because I'll be damned if that thing comes up from behind me and sucks the brains out of my head. I tore into the KFC parking lot, grabbed my purse, and threw myself out of the car as though I expected it to explode at any moment.....needless to say, I attracted some attention from the workers inside KFC who were busy cleaning up. And yeah, I totally left the keys in the ignition, with the car on. I did not care...as far as I was concerned, my car had just become Cherynobel and it was my duty to stay the hell away from it for the rest of time and all eternity.

I did what any logical person would do at this time - I called my dad and between whimpers, explained to him what was wrong. He seemed to understand my "hesitation" to want to get back in the car, especially after I explained to him the size of the spider. And then, while on the phone with him, I saw the damn spider crawling around in the car again, this time on my keys, and broke out into new whimpers and hysterics. But then the spider dropped out of site, under the driver's seat...ah, hell no. I was not getting into a car while that large woodland creature spun itself a home under the seat, all the while waiting for the perfect moment to jump out at eat the back of my leg off while I was innocently driving around....absolutely not.

My dad, being a man and able to think about things like spiders without screaming and abandoning otherwise fine vehicles, told me to call my roommates to have them come pick me up or bring RAID or whatever....I think he recommended this in order to keep me from being pegged as a loony by passers-by who undoubtedly thought I was escaped from a mental institution, what with my sudden outbursts and frantic running around my car. So I called for back-up and told the roommies to bring the RAID. I was not going down without a fight and if that spider thought it could have my Jetta that easily, it had another thing coming.

The roommies showed up a few minutes later and I grabbed the RAID from them while they eyed the car suspiciously. None of us are big fans of bugs, and of the three, I am the "brave" one when it comes to killing house intruders of the insect variety. So I was in this alone. No problem. By now, I was ready to fight for my car. I began atom-bombing the interior of my car with RAID. I opened only one door and I sprayed, oh, the entire can of RAID into the car. There was no way that little bastard was gonna survive. I then slammed the door and sat on the curb, determined to wait until the fumes had killed my eight-legged nemesis.

By now, the KFC workers weren't even pretending to slyly watch what was going on - they just stood there, gathered around the window, looking at me and my car. One of them came out to talk with me, most likely attempting to do a mental examination to determine if the others should call 911 and ask for restraints to be sent ASAP. I ignored him, talking on the phone to my dad instead. As we talked, I saw something on the OUTSIDE of my car moving around....that damn spider must have crawled out of my car while I was RAIDing it and was sitting there on the passenger door. I got up and yelled, grabbed my RAID and sprayed the animal into oblivion. The KFC worker stood there staring and waited till I hung up with my dad and then he went back inside, probably to tell the gang all about the mammoth spider I had just singlehandedly killed.

Even still, I wasn't super-keen on getting in my car. For real...I felt dirty. My car felt dirty....and I don't care how much you try and cover the smell of RAID with Garden Fresh scent, it still stinks....so I warily got back into my car and, feeling guilty for having almost left her to the clutches of the world's LARGEST and MOST DEADLY spider, I drove her to the car wash to clean her up and air her out.

I would also like to note that fighting for my life and the life of my car left me completely without appetite and I did not even so much as order anything at KFC. When you almost die, things come into perspective and you realize that there is so much more to life than extra-crispy chicken and mash potatoes...mmmm.....potatoes.....