So Much More Than I Bargained For

Normally, I would not share the following story because there's a limit to how much random strangers need to know about me, but I am not really in any sane frame of mind at the moment. I had to get a bunch of vaccines today - TB, Hepatitis, etc and so I feel woozy and willing to share what may possibly be one of the ickier events I've experienced in the past year.

In order to go to law school, I had to get a physical and receive a few billion vaccines. Don't ask me what the hell I am going to be doing in law school that necessitates having a meningitis vaccine but whatever. I set up an appointment to get a physical this afternoon and left work a couple of hours early to go. Now, I have had a few physicals in my day - when I was leaving to live in France, I had every known vaccine shot into me and then some. So it isn't like I am unfamiliar with how a visit to the doctor works. They take some blood, you fill out a few billion papers, the doctor comes in for .2 seconds to use his stethoscope and make sure you know how to breathe, yada yada...

Today's session seemed to be moving along like that...paperwork, etc...but when the nurse took me back to the check-up room and began talking to me about what would be happening, a phrase dropped out of her mouth and struck fear into my heart:

Nurse: "So you'll get your bloodwork done and these forms need to be filled out before the doctor can see you and then he'll do a general exam and then there's the Pap smear..."

Me (in a voice so high and screechy that dogs across Utah have lost their hearing): "Pap smear?!? What?"

APPARENTLY, Pap smears are a part of physical examinations out here...what the hell? If I want a Pap smear, I'll call my Gyno - that's what she's there for....unfortunately, by "there," I mean in Cincinnati...I don't have a girl doc out here...so after some deliberation, I agreed to allow the whole ordeal to continue. But really, I wasn't thinking clearly - the heat from my sunburn has left my brain fried and so I really can't be held accountable for any of the decisions I make right now. Besides, I thought that if I didn't get the "full physical," as the nurse kept calling it, then maybe William & Mary wouldn't accept my health evaluation forms.

But even though I agreed to the Pap smear, I did not feel good about it AT ALL. I mean, ladies, back me up on this - when you know some doctor is going to be poking and prodding 'round there, you spruce it up a bit beforehand, right? But nooooo, not me this time. I had no time to feel fresh. Ugg. Not only that, but the doctor was a man...now, I know each woman has her own preference as to whether she uses a female Gyno or a male one, but I prefer my hoo-hah doc to be female. Men that claim expertise in womens business make me nervous. Now, I like to think I know a good amount about the boy organs and how they work but I have ZERO desire to give a man a prostate exam. And I'd prefer if the boys would avoid giving me Pap smears, unless we're "playing doctor" or whatever.

So the doctor comes in to start his exam and in making small talk, he asks me which law school I am going to. I tell him William & Mary and then he tells me his son is a 2nd year student there...how freaking coincidental. The man who is about to shove some fore ceps where fore ceps should never go has a son at the same damn law school that I am about to attend...great. Just great. I can just see how the next conversation he has with his son will go...

Dr. Fore Ceps: "So, I met this new hoo-hah that's going to be at W&M this coming year - look for her will you?"

Son Fore Ceps: "Sure dad. How will I know her when I see her?"

Anyway, you get the point.

So the time rolls around for the dreaded spread-'em stir-ups and as I am lying there, desperately wanting to find some way to distract this man from thinking too much about what he's poking at and myself from any sudden movements that may lead to the fore ceps getting stuck, I decide to ask the following question:

Me: "So what made your son decide to go to William & Mary?"

I instantly regretted the question...Now the good doctor was going to think that having things shoved up my hoo-hah made me think of his son...oh good grief. If the florescent light hanging up there could fall on me now and at least knock me out, or maybe even just kill me, that would be ideal...please!

Finally, after what had to be 8 hours of discomfort, it was all over and I got dressed and got the Hell out of there. That has got to be the most mortifying physical I have ever undergone...please let me never experience a physical like that again...and let me never meet the doctor's son, on campus or off...